Blessed be!

POSTED IN contemporary poetry August 5, 2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t shy away…

 I don’t shy away from difficult topics in my poems, but there are so many sad poets stuck in their own heads that I now try to write myself out of my world worries, sadnesses and fears by directing my writing toward wonder and wondering instead. Mothers’ Day used to be a terrible day for me, with many sad poems, as I suffered from unexplained infertility, and because it was unexplained, though we had signed up with an open adoption center, birthmoms would not choose us because they felt we would eventually conceive. We never did, but we did finally adopt our wonderful daughter who is difficult, talented, creative, beautiful and never boring. So now I write about our lovely daughter with all her fascinating, confusing contradictions instead of sad Non-Mom’s Day poems.

Poetry is wonderful for writing away fears and sorrows by delving into them, better understanding them, then being able to jettison bad stuff along the way, not having to hold onto it, because it has been transferred to the written words. And there is room for happiness and humor in sad poems. One day when my daughter was little, she came home from first grade crying, saying she was “stupid.” Clearly someone had convinced her of that; it seemed everyone could read but her. Her sadness hit me hard and would not go away, but a few minutes later, she and the dog walked down the hall wearing underwear as hats. So how could I write only about my devastation at her earlier sadness…?

 I will post my parenting advice here rather than privately as this has much to do with poetry and songs I’ve written over the past 18 or so years. We had to make our own way with parenting because our daughter wasn’t like our friends’ children, nor did she respond to parenting as recommended by her schools (can’t tell you how many times we were told to take parenting classes!) The funny thing is that in the end, once we got her to a great school for troubled girls with terrific counselors and teachers, we were told that as sensitive, informed, involved parents, we had done most everything RIGHT for our kid; that the problem was schools (& culture) that were not designed for “different” kids. We had struggled as my nature is to be “fair” above all else, and a peacemaker, while my husband’s more a disciplinarian …but we had the same goals, and while I was much more “attuned” to our kid, I am too much of a daydreamer to always be as present in the moment with a behavior consequence always ready. On the other hand I was the one who could first see what wouldn’t work, and why.

Our biggest frustration was that our daughter tested very high on intelligence/knowledge tests, so none of the first 4 schools she attended would let her repeat a grade despite her obvious social immaturity (she was at the social maturity level and acted like a very bright BOY, 2 years younger, though she looked like a beautiful, outgoing girl. I knew from reading that she tipped slightly into the autism spectrum, but too slightly to get any help from schools, though we did finally find one that would let her repeat a grade, necessary as by then her grades were all “Fails” and she was bullied (& hiding) daily. I homeschooled her twice, once when she was told to leave the school (they actually said “…unless you bring back a different child on Monday!”) and once when she was getting involved in gangs and it scared her. Also, she couldn’t abide others being bullied and often got in trouble for defending them. As all this was going on, she was visiting lonely old folks, doing her own fundraisers for animal shelters and teaching herself to play piano, guitar, violin, writing songs…

My biggest main advice, IF your child is anything like mine, is know she gets overwhelmed, learn her triggers, allow her a quiet “escape” place, help her express her true emotions, help give her self-knowledge, praise successes, help make her aware of her true skills, advocate for her, give her schedule & structure to help her feel safe, and keep up on behavioral research and facilitate friendships for her with others who understand. Peer group therapy has been valuable as she’d no idea how she appeared to others until she saw familiar behaviors in peers who’ve struggled with social skills.

Write lots of poetry, play music, walk in nature…to stay sane! And let her know those things will help her too. Music, nature and writing are our daughter’s safe “escape place.” Whenever she’s visited them for a few minutes, she’s my sweet, big-hearted, intuitive kid again. And when I visit them, I feel energized, the weight of frightening responsibility and problems to solve liftable again.

Sometimes I see young mothers sitting with friends, drinking coffee, talking, while their polite young daughters sit with them, talking, listening, laughing. This is something I never experienced. I lost many “friends” because of my daughter, but I gained a few who understood, and a few hours at an outdoor music festival laughing and dancing with my daughter is worth many quiet, polite, judgmental social gatherings with women with whom I now know I have little in common. Hurray for poets, artists, musicians! We walk a different, difficult path, but it is an invigorating one, and a great tribe to walk with. As independent souls we may walk mostly on our own, but it’s wonderful to have others’ footsteps nearby.

I have learned a lot about myself because of my daughter; through what we have in common and what we don’t. Valuable stuff I wish I’d understood when I was younger. Even though she struggles more than I, having some self-knowledge at this point in her life should give her coping strategies I was much slower in developing. And now, because of her I understand better why those strategies help me. Knowing one’s real needs, and knowing that they are not necessarily the same as everyone elses’, and that that’s OK…is so important! Many of us are extra-sensitive to the world around us and it hurts us, and if we don’t find effective ways to protect ourselves and appropriate ways to express ourselves (which especially applies to teen daughters!) BEFORE we get “overloaded,” life can be very tough for us and/or those around us.

As for your daughter, as you’ve found, sadly, girls are hardest on their moms. I used to hear that that’s because they compete with you. This may be partially true. I think what’s truer is that girls feel safe enough around their moms that they relax whatever social skills they have developed, and though its expression may be hard to read, what we moms get is their untranslated, unedited true feelings. Hard to live with, but perhaps a compliment? Happy Mother’s Day!

 

 

Teresa McNeil MacLean