Neuron’s lover / Amanta lu’ Neuron

POSTED IN contemporary poetry May 16, 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neuron’s lover

In the last 20 years an entire field of literature (could I call it literature?) appears to be dedicated to “relationships”.

Either fictional or so-called scientific books, novels, materials (you name them!) attacked the market with their remedies and recipes on “how to make a relationship perfect” in two or three, because now also the lovers appeared to make the bovarism complete.

Libraries and book-stores are filled with these titles, “10 ways to find a good man”, “Starting over yet again”, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”, “Getting past your breakup”, “Love hurts, you don’t have to”, “How to heal a broken heart in 30 days” (that’s quite a joke!!), “The mornings of lovers”, “The nights of lovers”, “The divorces of lovers”( aaaand we are waiting eventually for the baptism, funerals of lovers), “The philosophy of sex” ( I barely can stop laughing!), “How do men love”.

Shall I say more?

People, especially women buy these materials. Many women who lost a lover at some point of their life will buy a book like that.

My question is: WHY? What do we expect to happen after reading such a book? To get wiser? Smarter?  More experienced? More attractive?

Do we realize that those books are written by a bunch of women who call themselves “experts” in human feelings and try to put on paper all kind of traumas that in the end are proved to be their own ghosts, dark sides, bruised egos?

These “women authors” make a lot of money from this industry of “feelings-subject” and they have the most twisted minds,  they are mostly lonely, depressed, addicted, obsessed and the only therapy that could help them is to write down all their problems.

And other women, perhaps way much “normal” than these “experts”, go out, after a breakup, and buy these miracle-books, hoping that their life will be miraculously improved.

But, after reading those books, life does not suddenly become a better place. Life is still dark for them, sad, hopeless and they think: “what if I start writing about how I feel? About what I experienced?.

And a new book, a new author, a new rich lonely woman comes to town.

This, my friends, is what I call a vicious circle.

Why do men not buy these kind of books? Why do men not start writing a book based on their recent breakups (well some men do unfortunately)?
As a woman I have some thoughts and I apologize beforehand to my fellow women for what I am about to say.

For men relationships and life are, in general, simple: black and white. For women on the other hand, it is never only black and white. It is a whole spectrum of colours, but most of all there is “the grey area”. And there is the danger, in THE GREY.

That is what men ask themselves for ages: “what does a woman want?”.

We, women, we have the power to make a man the happiest soul on earth or to bring him down to the deepest sides of Hell.

We are the ones who can bring light everywhere and suddenly cut the power without the slightest warning. I talk about “Women” with capital W. There are women and Women as well as there are men and Men.

A man and a woman could never be friends, unless one of them or both are in love with somebody else, or they are really very intelligent, strong character, faithful to the need of having a friend. Otherwise, this is just the biggest lie ever to cover up feelings which are bubbling like champagne underneath the so called friendship.

And this is cheap, devious, and always ends up by hurting someone.

A young friend of mine, a young man, asked me once: “what shall I do when she is in a bad mood and I would like to comfort her, but it seems that whatever I try, I fail and I anger her more?”.

I wanted to say, loud and clear: “don’t do anything, until she is coming to her senses and understands that she is the one who should apologize for being moody”.

But, what I really told my young friend was: “give her a bit space and try later, carefully, to behave like nothing happened”.

It works, I know it does, but I should not have said that. This is how one treats a dog who is barking and it might bite.

I should have said the truth: “Young man, run away! Until you’ll be wise enough to understand us, run! We are sometimes neurotic, we are sometimes too hormonal, we lose control and we still want to appear we have it, we don’t know sometimes what we want and we make the man we love unhappy just because we are thinking too much. We want always to be right, perfect, loved, idolized, even when we don’t deserve it”.

I am every woman. Not the women from Sandra Brown novels, or “Bold and beautiful” never ending serial. I am the everyday average real life woman and I say: we women are evil and angel but we are a necessary badness in a man’s life!

This is the “grey area” in a couple’s life, the truth about who we really are.

We act because we are afraid that if the man we love sees us for what we really are, he will run away.

But what if the man we love stays even if we reveal our true self? How is that for a start?

Women instinctively want to come to the rescue if a man appears to be troubled, to protect the man they love. It is in our DNA.

The first question flying out of our mouth is: “would you like to talk about it?”

Also out of instinct women need to feel secure, to make sure that the beloved belongs to them, indefinitely, and there is no thought or desire which cannot be shared. We need to be needed and irreplaceable. Why? Because we know that we can do and undo everything.

Men answer differently to these “feminine needs” ( which are normal, if you ask me!). Some men walk side by side with our thoughts, questions, with us entirely.

Some of them, many of them, more and more think:

“Talk, talk, talk… feelings, sharing, forever, “where does this go”…I want that! Do you want it too?” raising an eyebrow.

What about the SILENCE for a change? Sharing the silence? Wouldn’t that be comfortable, peaceful, cosy? Next to each other, sharing the silence, learning to understand each other’s needs without words, doing things on our own terms.

Would that be such a bad idea?

Why are we afraid of saying: “I love you and if you don’t love me, too bad, because I will stick around, you will not get rid of me so easily, and by the end of one blessed day you will see that you like me back”.

Do we have to play the dance of lies by pretending to be friends when all we want is to be together as a couple?

The grey area can melt away between black and white and life could be really beautiful in two, the terrible two.

All we have to do is to be honest to ourselves first and then to our beloved.

Do we really need these sort of “writings” to tell us what to feel, what to do , whom to love? These people make loads of money by abusing our naiveté and they are not better than us.

A woman should preserve her femininity, her fragile side, her silence, her mystery. In the end all our power lies beneath the mystery of our eyes, our smile, our hands, our voice.

Remember Mona Lisa? I wonder sometimes: did she have a grey area, because her smile offers beyond Time a wonderful rainbow.

…………………………………………………………………….

Amanta lu’ Neuron

In ultimii 20 de ani un soi de literatura ( sa indraznesc a folosi cuvantul?) pare a fi dedicata “legaturilor sufletesti”.

Beletristice ori pseudo-stiintifice cartulii, romane, pamflete, bloguri (si lista ramane deschisa) ataca piata literara cu leacurile si retetele lor despre “cum sa ai o relatie perfecta” in doi si, mai nou, in trei, caci acum a parut si AMANTUL, spre  a fi bovarismul complet.

Librariile sunt pline cu titluri de genul: “10 moduri de a gasi un barbat bun”, “De la capat inca o data”, “Dragostea raneste destul, n-o mai fa si tu”, “Barbatii vin de pe Marte, femeile de pe Venus”, “Cum sa vindeci o inima franta?” (asta-i jenanta), “Diminetile amantilor”, “Noptile amantilor”, “Divorturile amantilor” (si asteptam eventual botezuri, funeralii de-ale amantilor si si d-ale carnavalului), « Filosofia sexului » (abia ma abtin sa nu rad), « Cum iubesc barbatii ».
Mai este nevoie de cuvinte ?

Oamenii,  in special femei,  cumpara aceste “materiale”. Multe femei care au pierdut un iubit intr-un moment al vietii vor cumpara o astfel de maculatura.

Intrebarea mea este: DE CE?

Ce speram ca se va intampla dupa lecturarea unei astfel de cartulii? Devenim mai intelepte? Mai destepte? Mai experimentate? Mai atractive? Pricepem noi oare ca aceste carti au fost produse de un esantion feminin care se autointituleaza “experte” in sufletul uman si care pun pe hartie tot soiul de traume ce in final se dovedesc a fi propriile lor fantasme, intunecimi, egouri invinetite?

Aceste femei-autor capata averi exploatand industria subiectelor sentimentale si tocmai ele au cele mai murdare minti, fiind de regula singure, depresive, dependente, obsedate. Unica terapie care le-ar putea ajuta cat de cat este scrisul.

Sa-si puna pe hartie propriile scranteli, obsesii.

Si alte femei, poate cu mult mai normale decat asa-zisele experte, isi aduna sufletul mutilat de o despartire recenta si cumpara aceste carti-minune, sperand ca viata lor se va schimba in mai bine peste noapte.

Insa, la sfarsitul lecturii, viata lor e aceeasi, intunecata, trista, fara sperante.

Atunci se isca gandul: “ce-ar fi daca eu as scrie despre ceea ce-am patimit? Propria mea experienta?”

Si astfel o noua carte, o noua experta, o noua femeie bogata si singura apare in oras.

Dragii mei, asta numesc eu un cerc vicios.

De ce oare barbatii nu se grabesc sa cumpere sau sa scrie memorii dupa o despartire recenta? (blogarasii sunt exclusi din categoria barbatilor, ei fiind un gen nedefinit despre care nu pot gandi decat in hohote!).

Fiind eu insami o femeie imi cer scuze cu anticipatie in fata tuturor femeilor pentru ceea ce voi scrie in continuare.

Nu ma exclud.

Pentru barbati, in general, modul de a percepe viata si viata in doi este simplu: alb si negru.

Pentru femei insa nu este nicicum doar alb si negru, ci un intreg spectru de culori. Insa, mai presus de toate, este “zona gri”. Ei, aici sta pericolul: in gri.

Noi, femeile, avem puterea de a face un barbat cel mai fericit suflet pe pamant sau sa-l ducem in adancimile Iadului.

Noi suntem purtatoarele Luminii pe oriunde trecem si tot noi putem taia curentul deodata, fara cea mai mica avertizare.

Vorbesc despre femeile cu F.

Exista femei si Femei asa cum exista barbati si Barbati.

Un barbat si o femeie nu pot fi nicicand doar amici. Doar daca unul dintre ei sau amandoi sunt indragostiti de altcineva sau ambii sunt cu adevarat inteligenti, au un caracter puternic si respecta adanc ideea si nevoia de amicitie fara a pune in pericol sentimentele partenerului de viata.

In orice alta situatie “amicitia” dintre un barbat si o femeie este in fapt o minciuna care incearca sa acopere dorintele ce se agita precum o sampanie gata sa izbucneasca.

Acest truc este ieftin, rautacios si mereu sfarseste prin a rani un suflet.

Un tanar prieten m-a intrebat odata: ” ce sa fac atunci cand e mofturoasa, nervoasa, iara eu as vrea sa o linistesc, insa orice as incerca pare sa o intarate si mai tare?”.

As fi vrut sa-i spun sus si tare: “nu fa nimic pana cand nu isi revine ea insasi, sa priceapa ca ea este cea care ar trebui sa-si ceara scuze pentru modul in care se comporta”.

Ceea ce i-am spus insa prietenului meu a sunat astfel: “las-o putin in pace si incearca sa o impaci mai tarziu, ca si cum nimic nu s-ar fi intamplat”.

Merge, stiu ca metoda asta functioneaza insa nu ar fi trebuit sa dau un astfel de sfat. In modul asta te comporti cu un catel care latra si e posibil sa te si muste.

Ar fi trebuit sa spun adevarul: ” Tinere, fugi! Pana inveti sa ne intelegi, fugi! Suntem deseori neurotice fara motiv, mofturoase, alintate, ne pierdem controlul insa vrem sa parem ca inca suntem in control, deseori nu stim ce vrem si nefericim barbatul pe care-l iubim doar pentru ca gandim prea mult. Vrem sa avem mereu dreptate, sa fim perfecte, iubite, adorate chiar si atunci cand suntem confuze”.

Eu sunt “femeia”. Cea de fiece zi, femeia fara nimic senzational, femeia reala si realistica. Nu femeia din cartuliile Sandrei Brown or nesfarsitul serial “Tanar si nelinistit”. Sunt femeia fara trucuri si spun: noi suntem inger si demon, un dulce rau necesar in viata unui barbat.

Asta-i  “zona gri” a vietii in doi, adevarul despre cine suntem noi.

Jucam teatru deoarece ne este teama ca, daca barbatul iubit ne vede asa cum suntem cu adevarat, far’ de masca, fuge mancand pamantul.

Dara, daca barbatul iubit STA chiar si atunci cand dam masca jos, cand suntem mofturoase, neurotice, alintate, plangacioase fara rezon?

Ce-ar fi sa incepem cu acest pas?

Femeile, din instinct, vor sa protejeze barbatul iubit, sa-l ajute cand pare ingandurat. Prima intrebare ce ne zboara din gurita este: ” ai vrea sa vorbim despre asta?”.

Tot din instinct femeile au nevoie sa simta ca omul iubit le apartine total, pe termen nedefinit, ca nu exista gand neimpartasit, dorinta neverbalizata.

Au nevoie sa se simta necesare si de neinlocuit. De ce? Pentru ca stim ca sta in puterea noastra sa facem si sa desfacem totul.

Barbatii raspund diferit acestor “nevoi feminine” (firesti, din punctul meu de vedere). Unii merg natural alaturi de noi, de gandurile noastre, intrebarile noastre.

Altii, multii, din ce in ce mai multii, ofteaza ridicand spranceana:

“Vorbit, vorbit, vorbit…despre sentimente…despre “incotro merge relatia noastra”…despre “eu vreau asa? Tu vrei?”…”

Ce spuneti despre TACERE? A impartasi tacerea? Nu ar fi linistitor, familiar? Unul langa altul, impartasind tacerea, invatand sa ne cunoastem fara cuvinte, fara sonor.

Suna ca o idee rea?

De ce ne temem sa spunem: “te iubesc si daca tu nu ma iubesti inca, e problema ta, caci am de gand sa ma invart primprejurul tau pentru multa vreme, nu vei scapa asa usor de mine si, poate intr-o binecuvantata zi vei intelege cat de draga si necesara iti sunt”.

Chiar trebuie sa ne rotim in dansul ipocriziei, prefacandu-ne ca suntem amici, cand tot ceea ce dorim amandoi este sa fim un cuplu?

Zona gri se poate topi intre alb si negru si viata poate fi chiar frumoasa in doi, teribilul doi.

Tot ceea ce trebuie facut este sa fim cinstiti cu noi insine mai intai si apoi cu cel iubit.

Chiar avem nevoie de aceasta maculatura spre a ne spune ce sa simtim, ce sa facem, pe cine sa iubim? Acesti oameni care “scriu” despre intimitatea cuplului se imbogatesc abuzand naivitatea noastra, si va asigur ca ei nu sunt mai breji, mai stiutori decat noi. Ceea ce ei scriu se numeste “vrajeala de popa de tara”.

O femeie trebuie sa-si pastreze feminitatea, ideea de fragilitate, tacerea, misterul.

In final toata puterea noastra sta in misterul ochilor, al zambetului, al mainilor, in misterul vocii nostru.

Va amintiti de Mona Lisa?

Ma intreb deseori: o fi avut si ea o “zona gri”, caci zambetul ei daruieste peste vreme un minunat curcubeu.

Bielka